Eight Secrets
of Conflict Resolution
Neil Clark Warren
Recognize marriage as a "we"
business. I place this secret in the number one position because I've never seen it
fail. Any couple who gains a "we" perspective eventually experiences great
success in marriage. But a marriage starts to shrivel when it becomes a matter of two
"I's."
Process the data as quickly as possible.
Even though conflicts can lead to expansion and growth, there's nothing wonderful about
prolonged conflict. The secret is to get it out in the open and deal with it. That's why
some people who fight like cats and dogs have an advantage. All the important facts and
feelings are expressed quickly and unequivocally.
Stick to the subject. Nothing is quite
so frustrating in the middle of a conflict as an emotion-laden comment that is totally
unrelated to the subject at hand. Such comments are thoroughly distracting, and they stall
any effort to move toward resolution.
Don't intimidate. When the heat is
turned up and things get a little mean, some people become focused on self-preservation.
They fear losing part of themselves in the process of hashing out a disagreement. Panic
builds, and they start throwing verbal punches. They become obsessed with winning or at
least not losing.
No name calling. I venture to guess
that not a single marital conflict in the history of mankind was ever resolved by one
person calling the other a derogatory name. It doesn't matter how creative the disparaging
label is--if it is meant to depreciate and demean the other party it isn't going to help
overcome the problem.
Every couple should establish this rule: In the middle of conflict, no matter how heated
or intense, there will be no name calling.
Turn up your listening sensitivity. In
the midst of conflict, there is absolutely nothing that produces gains as dramatically as
listening. But believe me, I understand that when you're fuming about some intense issue,
the last thing you want to do is listen.
When I open myself to what my partner is saying, resolution has begun. It works like
magic. When you are listened to, you aren't nearly so eager to win at the other person's
expense. To be listened to makes you want to listen.
Practice give and take. Many of us have
grown up yearning after, and fighting for, individual attainment. So we enter marriage
with a propensity to take. What we must understand is that marriage is a partnership and,
therefore, requires both give and take to be successful.
Some people have learned to give generously and freely, and they seem to have no
expectation of getting in return. Show me a marriage in which one person has mastered the
art of giving, and I'll show you a marriage in which conflict gets resolved quickly and
completely.
Celebrate every victory. Why is it that
we often fail to recognize our victories? After dust has settled and peace is restored,
take your spouse in your arms and say, "We did it, honey. We were totally at odds
and, yes, it was tense there for a while. But we overcame the hurdle."
Congratulations!
from "Triumphant Marriage,"
Focus on the Family, 1995
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